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The Fall of Duty: 01

If you’ve lost friends, money or even some of your memory (it happens, don’t judge me) because of Call of Duty, then you know what camping is.

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Call of Duty 4

If you’ve lost friends, money or even some of your memory (it happens, don’t judge me) because of Call of Duty, then you know what camping is.

You’re Rambo on a cocktail of stimulants – you’ve gunned down 23  men whose faces you’ve already forgotten and you’re on the verge of calling in a MOAB… then it happens. You turn a corner into a room and there’s a loser, prone underneath the desk behind the chair, with his crosshairs pointed at the door.

You know he’s been in this position the whole game because 8 out of 10 minutes have been played and his statistics read “2 deaths, 1 kill”. This living rebuttal to survival of the fittest sprays across the periphery of the doorway as you walk in and kills you. And now you feel like Rambo in the fourth film – a little droopy from the botox and a lot impotent from the anabolic steroids.

I should say that I don’t dislike camping because it’s an “unrealistic” way of playing the game. That argument is flawed because people don’t regenerate health in warfare either.

I dislike it because it’s unsportsmanlike conduct. It would be the equivalent of a football team placing 11 players in the goalmouth, or a basketball team having a player permanently seated on the rim. There may not be written rules about it but it makes people want to drop a payload of Agent Orange on you… and I don’t mean that in a virtual sense.

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Sitting in a corner the whole game and waiting for someone to run by is not only boring, it also makes it hard for other players to have fun (since they have to check every single nook and cranny they walk past).

This series will explore issues in the world of COD that cause fans worldwide that unique sense of meaningless yet overpowering pain. The focus will be on giving you tips for beating campers but if I have any other burning issues on my chest, I’ll share solutions to them too.

So, what’s my first tip on beating camping? Be aggressive. Run and gun. I know it sounds counter-intuitive but one of the best ways of coming out on top is to surprise the camper. Plus, it will help you improve your reaction time.

There is also that priceless image of the stereotypical, unkempt gamer behind the camper bawling at his mother while he calls for a sandwich and poop basin.  There is the sweet knowledge that you played a small part in that indignity.

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Timi has cultivated a healthy hatred for mankind from playing too many games, reading too much existential philosophy and listening to Radiohead for marathon stretches of time.

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